"whats going on in the kitchen; cause i dont know whats cookin"
maybe its because i refused to allow myself to think about it. maybe its because of last weekend. maybe its because things are getting really serious now. maybe its because i find myself questioning the consequences of my leap. maybe its none of these or maybe its all of these.
i somehow convinced myself that our love would conquer all. i somehow convinced myself that i didnt need to be in love as long as i loved. i somehow convinced myself that they were all i needed. wrong! i fooled myself. noone else was to blame but me. i fooled myself into believing that things would get better and that i deserved to be treated like a piece of shit. and then the light bulb went off- or maybe then i woke up from the nightmare i had created.
so what did i do afterwards? i celebrated. i celebrated me and the fact that i was better than that- even if i didnt treat myself better than that. i went out and partied- partied hard. i gave in and crossed the line. it was passionate and intense. not wonderful but it was exciting.
but in the process of giving in, i lost something. i lost the friendship when it became too intense- when we would stare at each other from opposite sides of the bar and try to show off our conquests of the night and see who could top the other and make the other more jealous. it was a game. a dangerous game.
now we are both in relationships- me happy and her what i think is happy.
and then last weekend happened... i hadnt seen her since things got too intense which would mark at least five months.
she was at nation for alex's birthday with her gf and i was there hanging out as well. we said hello and introduced our significant others to each other. it felt strange though. it was that awkward feeling where you dont know where to look or what to say. so i decided that i would play the part that i was so used to playing. i felt myself morph into it. a few drinks later and i could feel myself pretending to be cool as i danced with tal and smiled like nothing in the world was in my way and like nothing in the world was going to take down my happiness.
and then i glanced out of the corner of my eye and i caught her glance. i wondered it she was feeling the same way i was- awkward and uncomfortable. and then i realized the caught glance was nothing more than the initiation of another dangerous game as she proceeded to pin her other in the corner and look at me...
so what does all of this mean... maybe its me overanalyzing and reading into something that wasnt actually reality. or maybe its me being perceptive and realizing that i dont want to play games anymore. i miss our friendship where we talked about nothing and i walked away feeling like a million dollars. or maybe it was never a friendship- maybe it was just the introduction to a destructive game- where we both got played.
play on player.
i somehow convinced myself that our love would conquer all. i somehow convinced myself that i didnt need to be in love as long as i loved. i somehow convinced myself that they were all i needed. wrong! i fooled myself. noone else was to blame but me. i fooled myself into believing that things would get better and that i deserved to be treated like a piece of shit. and then the light bulb went off- or maybe then i woke up from the nightmare i had created.
so what did i do afterwards? i celebrated. i celebrated me and the fact that i was better than that- even if i didnt treat myself better than that. i went out and partied- partied hard. i gave in and crossed the line. it was passionate and intense. not wonderful but it was exciting.
but in the process of giving in, i lost something. i lost the friendship when it became too intense- when we would stare at each other from opposite sides of the bar and try to show off our conquests of the night and see who could top the other and make the other more jealous. it was a game. a dangerous game.
now we are both in relationships- me happy and her what i think is happy.
and then last weekend happened... i hadnt seen her since things got too intense which would mark at least five months.
she was at nation for alex's birthday with her gf and i was there hanging out as well. we said hello and introduced our significant others to each other. it felt strange though. it was that awkward feeling where you dont know where to look or what to say. so i decided that i would play the part that i was so used to playing. i felt myself morph into it. a few drinks later and i could feel myself pretending to be cool as i danced with tal and smiled like nothing in the world was in my way and like nothing in the world was going to take down my happiness.
and then i glanced out of the corner of my eye and i caught her glance. i wondered it she was feeling the same way i was- awkward and uncomfortable. and then i realized the caught glance was nothing more than the initiation of another dangerous game as she proceeded to pin her other in the corner and look at me...
so what does all of this mean... maybe its me overanalyzing and reading into something that wasnt actually reality. or maybe its me being perceptive and realizing that i dont want to play games anymore. i miss our friendship where we talked about nothing and i walked away feeling like a million dollars. or maybe it was never a friendship- maybe it was just the introduction to a destructive game- where we both got played.
play on player.
posted by my thoughts create my world at 6:37 PM
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